.....

All day there has been that stinging, sore feeling on my leg. It burns as well. Maybe it’s a reminder that I have done something so bad, so evil even.... You should never be responsible for one of your best friend’s pain. No you should be the reason they smile and laugh, but this time it’s different. This time I was responsible for the pain and the tears and I still am. I have never in my life felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I hate!! What I have done, and what’s even worse is I can’t take away her pain.... it’s with her and now she has to decide how she will deal with it, and I know that it won’t be good. Telling her that I'm sorry and that I love her sometimes isn’t enough, but what else can I do? Sometimes you have to wait until people come back to you and the waiting hurts....it hurts, it hurts a lot because you don’t know if they will. I'm lucky though, she did come back, I don’t think I deserve her though, she’s true and honest and I was a liar and a cheater and I hurt her. I know that it will take work to get back to where we were but I'm prepared for that, I want to work on things and make it better and I want our trust back, the trust we had that I broke. I hate myself.

All these feelings got me pretty bad last night. I had to put myself through pain because I deserve it. I deserve and immense amount of it! And that’s the only way I know how. When people know what you have done they don’t know why. If you haven’t ever done it before then you just can’t understand. It makes you feel better in some kind of fucked up way, because you know that you are now in pain. It actually doesn’t even hurt that much sometimes, just one quick flick of your wrist and have it, the kind of cut that makes people think that there is something wrong with you. I don’t just have one of these cuts though, I have many. I have torn over old scars and re-opened a part of my life that I hoped that I could put behind me, but I can’t. It’s not as simple as just stopping, because there’s something addictive about it and it really does make you feel better. I don’t think I will fully ever understand why I do it , but there’s a lot that I don’t understand, so this is just adding to the list, but for now I don’t care if I have  that constant stinging and burning feeling, I don’t care if they leave scares because I deserve them. I deserve everything I get.